This Standard Scottish Life

… hold on to that feeling“. Is what me and the waterproof MacBook were singing in the bath while watch an evaluation copy of the final episode of De Sopranos.  When y’all catch up wiff me you’ll get it.

So, there I am singing along to a Journey song wondering how it is I know all the words.  And then I remember I had a pal, Iain, at college who liked such music (actually, Iain liked all music) but I’m pretty sure it’s his fault that I can confidently belt out power ballads.  Maybe he was trying to save me from the student moping of The Smiths, The Cure and REM.

I feel a poodle perm coming on!

… I was in Mediocre & ‘Spensive tonight and while looking for booze I saw a tub of Organic Chicken Chunks in Jelly.  It was dog food.  Why do dogs need organic anything?  They are dogs! They don’t care what they eat.  Come on … they eat their own vomit and lick their arses! Oh, that’s right, middle class dogs have high standards and are a bit fussy about the source of their food.  I wonder if they worry about fair trade, food miles and the carbon foot print of their farts ?
Inspired by a Gussie forwarded Guardian article.  And I am not joking about the Organic Chicken Chunks in Jelly.  It was very tasty with a glass of Reisling.

…. I willnae be able to do that!  I said at Tai Chi class tonight.

Sandy the cycling snail and T the speed boy (with the carbon fibre racing bike) are dedicated Tai Chi-ers.  We cycled 10 miles to class in South Queensferry tonight and then I cycled the 10 miles home.   For two hours we tugged at birds’ tails, unhooked hooks, tried not to crash our Mercedes into the garage door and I’m sure at one stage I was biting a tiger’s ear (I’m not sure I got that move right).  So we can do four moves now.  Then the Tai Chi master said, Will we do the short form or the long ?  Long, the rest of the class said, all 108 and moves.  How will I remember 108 moves ?  I can hardly remember the 4 I do badly.  About 50 moves in they did this standing on one foot thing while moving the other foot around really high up and very very slowly, with no wobbling.  Not a chance!  No way will I be able to do that.
I’ll get my coat then …..

Take two bicycles. One weighs 75kg (including rider) and the other weighs 100kg (including the same rider). Both bicycles travel along a flat surface at 20km/hour (i.e. the bicycles are rolling not accelerating) with the rider applying equal effort on the pedals. If the cyclist stops pedalling will both bicycles travel the same distance before they halt ?

Was the question I asked Le Chef last night. This was a mistake. He mentioned something about potential and kinetic energies and momentum and then some horrid formula about friction and then I lost consciousness. I never found out the answer because apparently the answer to my question is very hard! I thought it was O grade physics stylee. Remind me never to ask questions that involve Newtonian mechanics (I have already learned not to ask about quantum mechanics). Imelda MacKillop is wise to this as well. She never asks questions about sums or that nature of the physical universe.

PS Le Chef is not only a chef he is also a mathematical physicist. What a wasted life. He could have been an actuary. I could have been rich and retired.

Dear HotBoy

You will be pleased to learn that I have taken the first step in flatheidedness reduction. Today I went to Tai Chi class (they run the class at lunchtime in the workplace). I thought Tai Chi would be easy. It’s bloody hard!

Stop doing THAT NOW! screamed my Achille’s Tendon.

No, no, NO! don’t bend like that yelled me knee.

and

Will you F**KING BREATHE! hollered my lungs, heart and brain.

How come those old Chinese ladies make it look so easy ? But never mind I have learned to do one complete move (of 30) quite badly and am looking forward to Striking the tiger’s ears next week. It’s quite fun really!

…. starting to feel much better.   I can tell I am getting well coz I have recommenced the battle of Sandy versus Les Meeses.  I saw the meeses yesterday – there were two.  I was quite annoyed.  I thought my previous tactics had made them go away. There they were prancing around having a laugh!  Cheeky meeses.

… sick.  No work for me today.  Just powerful painkillers and clutching of head and whimpering “It hurts“.  Even using the computer makes it hurt.  I am going away now to curl up and die.

…. terrible, terrible.  Strange and bizarre visualisations.  Very alarming.  Possible due to:

• sniffing chlorine gas
• watching a film about the Stasi
• watching people take LSD (on the TV I hasten to add)
• listening to The Velvet Underground

“Gas! GAS! Quick boys“, said the mice in the cupboard under stairs as Sandy’s toxic mixture of Domestos (millions of germs mice will die or a least get a nice burn on their noses) and other household cleaners caused a build-up of toxic fumes (chlorine gas!). So, children, what can we learn from this ?   Don’t mix bleach and ammonia. OK!  Clearly, Sandy was snogging the boys while that lesson was being taught.

…. in the battle of Sandy versus the Mouse, I have laid my first line of defence.    I don’t like to use mouse traps – too bloody and the humane ones just mean I have to drag the mouse out to the countryside to get rid of it.  I prefer chemical weapons.  I have laid a line of bleach soaked rags in the place where I think the mouse is coming in.  So it’ll get a sore nose is if it tries to return to our cupboard.  It worked last time we had a mouse (about 15 years ago).  Hope it works again coz it’s tiring standing on the couch and squealing.