Posted by Sandy | Posted in allotment, travelling, whimsy | Posted on 07-05-2006
First there was White Van Man but now there is a new terror on the roads and car parks of Scotland … the White Van Women! Be afraid, be very afraid. But how do you spot the White Van Women and what should you do if you meet them on your travels? Ah tis very easy…
1. They are easily spotted coz they will be driving eh …. a White Van! However, White Van Women shun the common white Ford Transit as used by the White Van Men and prefer the more sportif Vauxhall Vivaro. If they are particularly posh they will have a Mercedes Van however their chauffeur will be driving.
2. Unlike their male counterparts, White Van Women are courteous on the road. Such unexpected behaviour from a White Van normally leads to terrible accidents as the car drivers experience shock at being allowed to pull out. Grannies with their Westies are waved across the road – however occassional, inadvertent high gear at low speed bunny hopping may cause the pooch to be crushed beneath the wheels.
3. Although it is commonly known that women can multi-task much better than men, this is not true when in control of a White Van. If women attempt to simultaneously window shop and drive the White Van, swerving may occur, which inevitably leads to sniggering and giggling and rear ending the hated 4 wheel drive brat transporter in front. Ha-ha!
4. When undertakening tricky maneouvres in the narrow lanes of Edinburgh the trainee White Van Woman (i.e. passenger) will be at the kerbside shouting useful instructions such as Left, left …. no the other left and “No, you’re OK it’s not a big dent in the neighbour’s Merc.”
5. Down the city dump where white vans are strictly forbidden, White Van women are commonly to be seen using all their womenly wiles to convince the Dump Little Hitler that they should be allowed in. This includes the use of such phrases as …. “Oh but we’re just girls [giggle appropriately]“, “Oh we can’t read” and “But that man said it was OK [pointing at the Spanish dump temp that you charmed with your wit and fine language skills i.e. Hola mate! We are the White Van Women nothing stops us dumping at your tip]” If all else fails WVW will try pouting, cry and PMT stylee hysterics.
Gussie and Sandy have since returned white van so the roads are safe …. well at least until next time.