This Standard Scottish Life

The amazingly brilliant Gmaps Pedometer says.  You can eat as much as you like.  Even if the Gmaps Pedometer is half right I can still stuff myself with cake and pie and potatoes and porridge and perhaps a small vegetable tonight.  

But before any high calorie content can enter my mouth I promptly fall asleep on the floor.  Such is the energy draining route that Monsieur Le Oignon Sweaty devised for us as part of our Etape training.

To go up that big mountain.

In the distance.  

In June.

Not on our skis though.

But rather on our new bicycles.

Perhaps not all the way to the top.

Just most of the way up.

About 2469 metres will do.

But I have been higher.

Much higher.

… what condition my condition was in.

I have everything to do my conditioning for the L’Étape du Caledonia  I have:

• the lovely Polar CS300 heart monitor with integrated bicycle computer, satellite dish and onboard microwave oven.  This charming device informs me that I am morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.   Really must learn how to use it properly
• new plimsols for the gym.  They are as light as a feather.
• a book about How to train to cycle 100 miles on my bike.  Eh .. I think in short you do it by getting on yer bike.
• lots of nice wooly clothes for cycling in the Scotchish winter
• a very nice bicycle
• an athlete (ahem).  That’s me.  

Haggis the famous TransAm bicycle

That what it says in my book.  

Conditioning.  Conditioning is the key to successful cycle training.

My book also says things like Periodisation, Neuromuscular Recruitment Patterns and Substrate Utilisation but I don’t like to look at those pages coz … well … on those pages are vary scary graphs mostly going straight up.

In yea olden days conditioning was called stamina.  And I am now in training to be more stamina-ed (stamina-ished?) on my bicycle for the preparation of L’Etape du Caledonian.

 I love conditioning, it is the most easy of exercise.  The conditioning program goes something like this:

1. attach heart monitor to cyclist in training (that’s me)
2. sit on sofa
3. complete 20 minute warm up by reading the cartoons and travel section of The Guardian newspaper
4. on completing warm up read chapter in cycle training book on conditioning for 4 minutes keeping heart rate below 150 beats per minute (bpm).  If heart rate goes over 150 bpm stop reading and stare into space for a wee bit til heart rate recovers
5. repeat number 4 above three times for a full conditioning work out
6. warm down for 20 minutes by watching Neighbours
7. nutrition is an important component of the conditioning training regime so within 10 minutes of completing warm down be sure to intake appropriate carbohydrates and protein (ham and cheese sandwich and some chocolate) and of course it’s important to balance electrolytes (i.e. drink quite a lot of beer which is a well know electrolyte balancer).  NB the conditioning workout leads to considerable fatigue so the cyclist in training should have others prepare their post workout nutrition.

Wot we spent on buying food:

£0.00 Total so far for Project Frugal £13.17 however Le Chef, who is incapable of advising me in advance if he wants me to prepare delicious, yummy sandwiches no doubt spent extravagant amounts on some dry old bread thing at work.  He will not disclose how much exchanged hands.

Wot we bought:

Wot we ate:

• OJ
• Cappuccino
• porridge
• I had another cappucino with Fraulein Direktor while we discussed very very important work type stuff.  She bought the cappucino, so no cost to me.  And this gave me a cunning idea.  If I can get all my friends to buy me or make me food then Project Frugal will never have any outgoings.  Send food parcels everyone!
• My lunch was a jamon (that’s Spanish for jam eh .. I mean ham), cheese and lettuce sandwich and three little tomatoes.  My sandwich was prepared by my own fair paw.  Le Chef – gawd only knows what he had or how much it cost.  Harumph!
• green tea
• water and lots of it due to furious spin class with Captain Awesome
• another Le Chef prepared culinary delight of curious origin twas served ce soir.  It was quite good.  It looked like it had beans and potatoes and carrots in it.  It perhaps even had parsnips in there too. I thought my tea lacked a certain something so I stirred in mango chutney which as everyone knows is just middle class tomato ketchup.  The meal’s tastiness improved somewhat in a strange exotic fruit way.  I recommend putting mango chutney on everything.
  • Uninteresting factoid: the French regard the parsnip with disdain.  They only feed it to their horses.  A terribly waste I say, Terrible waste.  And I thought they knew something about food.
• Le Chef is still stuffing himself with Kershy Hisses.  They were a food parcel from Umerica so no purchase necessary.

Reflections on frugality

I am dozing in bed. It’s nearly time to get up. And then a pain. A terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE pain in my chest. A searing, stinging, ripping pain. It’s obvious to me that I am having a heart attack.

Quick, get the crash cart!

I am fading away. Away. I see a white light. I’m gone.

But no. I miraculously recover. My cardiac arrest subsides. And then I realise that the terrible, terrible pain in my chest was not due to blockage of my coronary arteries but in fact due to my very recently exercised, really quite delicate, new found, pectoral muscles ripping.

The exercise Nazi personal trainer at the gym decided that it was time that I did some strength training on my upper body. I had to go on evil weight machines that just plain hurt. My muscles hurt very bad and they hurt even worse now that I have ripped them. Women don’t need to have biceps and triceps and pecs and deltoids coz that’s why we have men. Men are there to have arm muscles to carry the laydeez shopping. Oh yes, and also men are useful for the cooking, like Le Chef. And I’m sure they are useful for other things but I can’t remember quite what.

… honest Gov.  Did you know I have another life ?  It’s over here.

I have been reading the books about cycling training and fitness and looking at the Tour de France website.  What more training do you need to do ?  I also cycle 10 miles to South Queensferry every Thursday to go to Tai Chi class and then cycle back (sometimes moderately inebriated which presents a challenge when trying to dodge the foxes and rabbits).  I most every day cycle the 10 metres to work too.  4,500 miles across North America ?   Pah – piece of piss! Tour de France ?  A measly 3000 miles?  Ya bunch of skinny sissies!  Kiss my nappied arse!

And today I joined the gym.  It looks pretty in the gym.  Don’t think I’ll go on those machines though.  They look dangerous.

…. I willnae be able to do that!  I said at Tai Chi class tonight.

Sandy the cycling snail and T the speed boy (with the carbon fibre racing bike) are dedicated Tai Chi-ers.  We cycled 10 miles to class in South Queensferry tonight and then I cycled the 10 miles home.   For two hours we tugged at birds’ tails, unhooked hooks, tried not to crash our Mercedes into the garage door and I’m sure at one stage I was biting a tiger’s ear (I’m not sure I got that move right).  So we can do four moves now.  Then the Tai Chi master said, Will we do the short form or the long ?  Long, the rest of the class said, all 108 and moves.  How will I remember 108 moves ?  I can hardly remember the 4 I do badly.  About 50 moves in they did this standing on one foot thing while moving the other foot around really high up and very very slowly, with no wobbling.  Not a chance!  No way will I be able to do that.
I’ll get my coat then …..