This Standard Scottish Life

Run away, RUN AWAY!

… poor TSSL neglected as usual while its owner is off obsessing about other things. This past month I have mostly been:

• reading absolutely everything about and by Truman Capote. He’s my new favourite author, he is so terribly funny and nasty. And he was short. And had a fetching line in hats. And documented, and no doubt enhanced everything anyone ever said to him, for example, one day when he was chatting to Marilyn Monroe and she called Queen Elizabeth the Second a cunt – which of course I thought was quite priceless. Hmmmm …. sorry about the c**t sweary word but we like to court controversy on TSSL and it also allows me to tag this post with sex which of course can only improve my Google rankings. And I did think it was funny and especially what she went on to say about Prince Philip & Errol Flynn.
• getting all sorts of nasty stains on my lovely new silk scarf. It is the coolest scarf in the world coz it’s of Maurice by Andy Warho (“it’s Warhol actually” – yes thanks for that Mr Bowie, f-off now). I should explain about the stains ….. or maybe I should leave it to your imagination. Yes, your imagination is probably better, I’ll just say one word on the stains though …. oil and not of the petroleum type. If you are brave enough to ask me about the stains I can assure you that the explanation is less exciting the image you have just conjured up in your head.
• going to Roma and stuffing ourselves on pasta and scooping Prosecco and eating cannoli. As I recall we also saw some old falling down walls and the Pope’s hoose (but it was closed I can only assume he was out shopping for Prada loafers).

• searching and finding my long lost brother Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni
• preparing a lovely (well I think it’s lovely) website for my TransAmerica cycle trip. No you’re not getting to see it yet. You know how sensitive artistes are about their works in progress

It’s been more than 10 days since I last posted. I hate that wee blog monkey that sits on my shoulder whispering,”You haven’t posted in 14 days, is you life really so sad that you have nothing to say ?”

“Feck off blog monkey, it’s Scotland and it’s winter and it’s cold and windy and dark and I am not drinking so of course I’ve got nothing to say. My life is temporarily on hold while I wait for the sun to come out and the Frascati to arrive“.

You wouldn’t really be interested in my past week but for the sake of a pathetic blog post here it is:

• Monday: Went to work in the wind and rain fully clothed in Santa donated Goretex. Ate soup. Came home. Stared into space.
• Tuesday: Went to work in the wind and rain fully clothed in Santa donated Goretex. Ate soup. Came home. Stared into space.
• Wednesday: Went to work not in the wind nor the rain but still fully clothed in Santa donated Goretex. Ate cheese & tomato toasty. Came home. Stared at TV and occasionally Le Chef who wasn’t clothed in Goretex coz he fell out with Santa.
• Thursday: Went to work …. see how dull this is … you kinda get the idea … go somewhere in the weather wearing Goretex, eat a thing, come home, stare at something.
• Friday: I’ll let my reader fill in for Friday.
• Saturday: Stares at ipod nanos. Thinks about gin and tonics. Eats Polish doughnut from Polish bakery.
• Sunday: I can hardly wait!

Oh well, only 11 days til the Frascati arrives.

Hankering (n) – a strong or persistent desire or craving.  Possible etymology: Flemish
As in ….

• I have a terrible hankering for a a large glass of wine
• I have a terrible hankering for a great big bar of chocolate, a pie, some pork scratchings and a pint of ale
• I have a terrible hankering for a Doris Day film

Antonym: indifference, aversion

As in ….

• I am quite indifferent to lettuce, grated carrot,  shredded cabbage and five pieces of fruit.  But I do have a hankering for chips cooked in lard.
• I have developed an aversion to work.

And of course there is in urban phraseology hankering for a pankering which needs no explanation!

Warning: This is a “I love my MacBook” post

As you are aware I am strangely addicted to my new laptop. So addicted I haven’t thought of anything else but its lovely whiteness for the past two weeks. Lately, I have become fraught at bath time coz I lose valuable On MacBook time while soaking (when I have a bath I have to stay in it til all the bubbles have gone and the water is cold – so I am in there a loooongggg time and I’m sure the little Book feels neglected). However, I have just discovered that I can still use the MacBook while in the bath coz it’s got a remote control! Oh how cool is that ? So I had Madonna, Jimi Hendrix and ColdPlay in the bath tonight. Well … Madonna and Jimi were quite charming but I don’t think I want Chris Martin in my bath again.

To get all those folks in the bathroom I had to deploy significant amounts of gadgetry including:

• 1 lovely lovely white MacBook running on battery outside the bathroom (we dinnae want the condensation on our precious)
• 1 lovely lovely white MacBook remote
• 1 Sony wireless speaker
• 1 Sony wireless speaker transmitter
• 1 Guardian Weekend supplement
• 5 Irish toffees (fair trade of course)
• 1 glass fizzy wine with orange
• 1 Fender Stratocaster
• 1 bottle of lighter fuel
• 1 match
• a black baby

Och … I dinnae play with the MacBook all the time. This Xmas I have also:

• sewed a billion cushion covers for our sofa (8 down, 4 to go)
• ate for Scotland
• sat on my butt for Scotland
• for the purposes of ebay sales listened to Electric Ladyland, Are you experienced?, Isle of Wight. Hurrah for Jimi !  He’s dead dontcha know ?  Pool of vomit.  Poor thing!  And I mean Hurrah for his guitar playing not for the pool of vomit thing.
• (barely) tolerated relatives
• watched all three Back to the Future films followed by …
• all three Jurassic Park films (yawn)
• learned a bit of MySQL, PHP and CSS (OK I had to use the MacBook for that but I also had to use the PC laptop too – yeuch)
• thought about my New Year Resolutions (more of that another day)
• thought about how wet I will get watching the Pet Shop Boys on Hogmanay. I am considering taking a bin liner to wear
• did I mentioning eating for Scotland ?

… I’m an alcoholic this much I also know about cycling.

11. In the Bicycle vs Taxi in the City Centre during the Rush Hour and heading to the pub Race, the bicycle always wins.

12. Cyclists never remember cycling home after drinking more than half a bottle of wine but they will remember singing Scissor Sisters songs in the underpass. (Great echo! – I sounded almost as good as Jake Shears.)

…. but wait, before we discuss Where’s me bike ? let’s first wonder Where’s me tea ? (that’s tea as in dinner not tea as in tea). I am sitting here on the couch with a rumbling tum and crashing sugar levels and Where’s me tea ? Le Chef has buggered off to Lundun for some meeting and left me to fend for myself. I wonder if I can hold out til he comes home at 9pm otherwise I’ll have to bloody cook something and boy am I sick of f**king courgettes and marrows. Hmmmm …. a takeaway me thinks.

But anyway … back to Where’s me bike ? Moi et Le Chef went for a very jolly jolly to Amsterdam this weekend. Twas most fun and involved eating Indonesian food while watching Le Chef pick out the peanuts (he’d get that anaphalactic shock thingie if he ate one), drinking beer, eating Maoz falafel (it is the best, bestest falafel ever and they even have an outlet in Barca now), drinking beer, wolfing the most huge amount of Mexican food ever and drinking margaritas .. oh yes and some shopping too. And of course no decriminalized drugs were partaken of . And neither did we visit the red light district . (Great I managed to wangle a sex angle to the post so can appropriately categorize it thus – surely my Google rating must be increasing).

On the way to the station I noticed a multi-storey bicycle park. How the hell do you find your bike ? All Dutch bikes look the same. If you shout at a Dutch bike, will it reply back ?

Ages ago when I was researching wikis (for researching read arsing around on the internet) I came across this great wikipedia like wiki that was so funny that I snorted Irn Bru out of my nose at work. How charming eh ? I don’t think anyone noticed. Well today while I was doing research on the internet (see above for definition) and hanging out at … but it’s dirty (you can view this site safely at work) I rediscovered the funny little wiki, uncyclopedia which of course made me snort orange juice (out not in). My favourite articles are about the mobile city of Edinburgh, God in particular the picture of God on his day off and of course The Clangers.

Off now to clean up.