This Standard Scottish Life

… it was at the veggie patch today. I was sweating over the weeding, but not in my garden. I don’t like to weed in my garden anymore, I like to weed other people’s. Two hours of weeding Derek’s allotment and I was happy (he put up my greenhouse so I traded weeding in return). But I was weeding in my t-shirt and now my arms are burned! Ouch! And not only are my arms burned but also a little strip on my back. Double ouch!

(I don’t think the water skier is really a water skier. I think he’s a Rocky Horror Picture Show extra from Florida.)
While on a break from the weeding and being fed and watered on choccie biscuits and Fanta orange I got chatting to Rab. He told me that he didn’t like to use pesticides on his garden coz he practised Dharma and was a Buddhist. I told him about Hotboy and his hut meditations.

So it’s dharmic not organic gardening! Do all allotments have Buddhists ? Is it the rules ? I am clearly almost nearly a buddhist coz today practised:

• right actions – eeeding other person’s garden
• right livelihood – I ate thinnings of my lettuce crop and no meat (except a small slug by accident). I’m not sure if Hagen Daas ice cream counts as right livelihood tho
• right exercise – I cycled to my garden
• as for the other 5, well they are hard and I’ll get to them tomorrow

… first there was sunny weather, followed by a week of rain and a sudden bloom of fecking weeds on the veg patch. Outrageous!  There is now one cubic metre of weeds in the compost bin.

If those weeds dare show their faces again I’ll be out with the flame thrower.

Ooooh – but I do have a greenhouse now.  But there are even weeds in there.  Grrrrr!

TSSL is unlikely to be updated in the near future due to Sandy fiddling with her new white, shiny MacBook toy. So far she has spent her entire salary on iTunes, is preparing a comic about the allotment, is finalising the art work (ha) on her sheep-centric Xmas cards and purchasing white wigs as she enters her (S)andy Warhol phase .

The Beginners Big Book of Buddhism [as lent to me by Hotboy] says …

Life is suffering (Yes I knew that. I suffer going to work. I suffer only having 24 hours in the day. I suffer coz Le Chef is playing Rome Total War again on MY computer (well it is our computer but mostly it is mine!). I suffer coz I have run out of Neutrogina Norwegian Paw cream and my paws are sore from digging and bashing and poking at the allotment. Oh wo is me. Wo Is Me Oh! ME WO IS OH! This suffering is almost as bad as being crucified (I feel a smite coming on).

Aparrently, according to the BBBofB I can cure myself of all this suffering if I follow a thing called the eight-fold path.

[MunchkinVoice]

Follow the 8-fold path
Follow the 8-fold path
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the 8-fold path
We’re off to see the Buddha, the wonderful Buddha of bhodi

[/MunchkinVoice]

The Eight-Fold path stateth:

1. Is Right viewpoint (i.e. knowing that you are suffering). See above. I know it. Look at my paws – they are red and suffering.
2. Is Right growth (i.e.Commitment to mental and ethical growth in moderation). Yes, I am doing this too. I am moderately commited to mental growth through regular reading of Imelda MacKillop’s copies of The National Enquirer. And I have an allotment and a bicycle so that’s quite ethical [or maybe that's just quite middle class - oh the angst, oh the suffering of middle classness]
3. Is Right actions (i.e. wholesome action, avoiding action that would do harm). Does eating wholemeal bread count as a wholesome action ? And today at the allotment I didn’t bash the slugs I just lobbed them over the shed into the rubbish heap – I didn’t hear them shriek when they landed so I don’t think I did them any harm
4. Is Right Speech (i.e. one speaks in a non hurtful, not exaggerated, truthful way). Oh for goodness sake, not exaggerated??? That’s ridiculous. This path is impossible to achieve.

I propose …. to alleviate all this suffering that one should follow Sandyha’s special short cut one-fold path

1. Is Right winning (i.e. winning £20 million on the Lottery). This will lead to packing in the suffering of work, buying lots of Neutrogina hand cream and salving the poor paws and going on a giant spending spree (shopping relieves all suffering dontcha know) but ensuring you keep back some cash to bribe the Buddha (or your own favourite diety) so you can skip paths 4 to 8 and go directly to Nirvana.

Unfortunately I was unable to follow the one-fold path this week due to some inconsiderate random number generator not randomly generating the right numbers on my ticket. Bloody computers! But never mind coz it is a £64 million EuroMillions rollover on Friday! Surely it will be me, surely.

Ages ago when I was researching wikis (for researching read arsing around on the internet) I came across this great wikipedia like wiki that was so funny that I snorted Irn Bru out of my nose at work. How charming eh ? I don’t think anyone noticed. Well today while I was doing research on the internet (see above for definition) and hanging out at … but it’s dirty (you can view this site safely at work) I rediscovered the funny little wiki, uncyclopedia which of course made me snort orange juice (out not in). My favourite articles are about the mobile city of Edinburgh, God in particular the picture of God on his day off and of course The Clangers.

Off now to clean up.

for HotBoy and the Domestic Bliss

I went to the allotment yesterday. Oi weeds! What’s that about ? How come weeds grow quicker than anything else ? Nevermind, a quick bit of slash and burn and everything was ship shape. There were also some freak show vegetables!

• Several three foot high lettuces. In the wild, there must be lettuce forests. Very peculiar.
• Monster marrows. They have now become ornamental pieces in the garden.
• Colossal cucumbers. They were quite large really. I am now in the process of pickling them to ensure a supply of briny/vinegaryness for Mr Imelda.

And for tea …. what extravagance, pink fir apple chips. Yum! How I luv my garden.

First there was White Van Man but now there is a new terror on the roads and car parks of Scotland … the White Van Women! Be afraid, be very afraid. But how do you spot the White Van Women and what should you do if you meet them on your travels? Ah tis very easy…

1. They are easily spotted coz they will be driving eh …. a White Van! However, White Van Women shun the common white Ford Transit as used by the White Van Men and prefer the more sportif Vauxhall Vivaro. If they are particularly posh they will have a Mercedes Van however their chauffeur will be driving.

2. Unlike their male counterparts, White Van Women are courteous on the road. Such unexpected behaviour from a White Van normally leads to terrible accidents as the car drivers experience shock at being allowed to pull out. Grannies with their Westies are waved across the road – however occassional, inadvertent high gear at low speed bunny hopping may cause the pooch to be crushed beneath the wheels.

3. Although it is commonly known that women can multi-task much better than men, this is not true when in control of a White Van. If women attempt to simultaneously window shop and drive the White Van, swerving may occur, which inevitably leads to sniggering and giggling and rear ending the hated 4 wheel drive brat transporter in front. Ha-ha!

4. When undertakening tricky maneouvres in the narrow lanes of Edinburgh the trainee White Van Woman (i.e. passenger) will be at the kerbside shouting useful instructions such as Left, left …. no the other left and “No, you’re OK it’s not a big dent in the neighbour’s Merc.”

5. Down the city dump where white vans are strictly forbidden, White Van women are commonly to be seen using all their womenly wiles to convince the Dump Little Hitler that they should be allowed in. This includes the use of such phrases as …. “Oh but we’re just girls [giggle appropriately]“, “Oh we can’t read” and “But that man said it was OK [pointing at the Spanish dump temp that you charmed with your wit and fine language skills i.e. Hola mate! We are the White Van Women nothing stops us dumping at your tip]” If all else fails WVW will try pouting, cry and PMT stylee hysterics.

Gussie and Sandy have since returned white van so the roads are safe …. well at least until next time.