This Standard Scottish Life

I like porridge.  I like porridge a lot.  I like it coz it’s one of the few things I can cook well.  I can also cook bacon rolls, a medium rare steak and fresh tomato sauce quite well.  Pretty nifty on the deep fried Mars Bar too.  I hardly starve.

So I eat porridge every weekday for breakfast. No porridge consumed on the weekend unless cycling is required.

I also eat Stoatie Bars lots too. They’re kinda like hard porridge but with bits in them like macadamia nuts, raspberries, goji berries (yuch to healthy).

Sometimes I get oaty biscuits as snacks.

Porridge, oats, oatmeal.  Yum.

And now there is porridge soap.  And of course I have some.  It’s vegan don’t you know but not so good to eat.

… what condition my condition was in.

I have everything to do my conditioning for the L’Étape du Caledonia  I have:

• the lovely Polar CS300 heart monitor with integrated bicycle computer, satellite dish and onboard microwave oven.  This charming device informs me that I am morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.   Really must learn how to use it properly
• new plimsols for the gym.  They are as light as a feather.
• a book about How to train to cycle 100 miles on my bike.  Eh .. I think in short you do it by getting on yer bike.
• lots of nice wooly clothes for cycling in the Scotchish winter
• a very nice bicycle
• an athlete (ahem).  That’s me.  

Haggis the famous TransAm bicycle

That what it says in my book.  

Conditioning.  Conditioning is the key to successful cycle training.

My book also says things like Periodisation, Neuromuscular Recruitment Patterns and Substrate Utilisation but I don’t like to look at those pages coz … well … on those pages are vary scary graphs mostly going straight up.

In yea olden days conditioning was called stamina.  And I am now in training to be more stamina-ed (stamina-ished?) on my bicycle for the preparation of L’Etape du Caledonian.

 I love conditioning, it is the most easy of exercise.  The conditioning program goes something like this:

1. attach heart monitor to cyclist in training (that’s me)
2. sit on sofa
3. complete 20 minute warm up by reading the cartoons and travel section of The Guardian newspaper
4. on completing warm up read chapter in cycle training book on conditioning for 4 minutes keeping heart rate below 150 beats per minute (bpm).  If heart rate goes over 150 bpm stop reading and stare into space for a wee bit til heart rate recovers
5. repeat number 4 above three times for a full conditioning work out
6. warm down for 20 minutes by watching Neighbours
7. nutrition is an important component of the conditioning training regime so within 10 minutes of completing warm down be sure to intake appropriate carbohydrates and protein (ham and cheese sandwich and some chocolate) and of course it’s important to balance electrolytes (i.e. drink quite a lot of beer which is a well know electrolyte balancer).  NB the conditioning workout leads to considerable fatigue so the cyclist in training should have others prepare their post workout nutrition.

[Note to the non-Britishers: when we say pants here we do not mean trousers we mean underwear.  You know, as in PANTS.]

But they are a ridiculous colour! says Le Chef when I ask him why he hasn’t worn his Christmas Pants yet.

The Yule Pants were a very thoughtful gift from me and I am a little put out that they haven’t had an outing yet.  

Colour of these pants is no reason not to wear them especially given that he wore purple … yes, PURPLE nylon y-fronts when I first met him.  

His new fair trade, organic cotton pants are only mildly electric blue.  

Well, they are in fact very very electric blue.  

But they are nice and they have wings on the back.  

Yes they do.  

They have wings.  

No! Not those sorts of wings!  

Wings like an angel.  

Well not quite.  

But almost.

Likewise I have a pair of similar Yule Pants for Grrls.  

But mine are very very electric red.  

With wings on the back.  

But smaller wings.

Obv!

Buy these pants and save the world from … eh sensible underwear.

There was one, a burning, on Hogmanay (that’s New Year’s Eve to all you non-Scotchish people) at Chez Imelda.  The burning was facilitated by Dr D and his brassiere brazier.  Old plants, sawings, pallets, garden furniture, champagne corks and precious antiques were all put to the flame.

There was almost a drowning too.  In the canal at 2am.  Due to prosecco-enabled-staggering by moi et Le Chef.