This Standard Scottish Life

Twas a good year for me, that 2008 year.  I got to skive off work for four months, cycle across Umerica and get fit.  I also discovered the delights of porridge and mushy peas.  A perfect year.  

But the cycling thing lead to some unattractive smugness and as my porridge and mushy pea intake increased the fitness fell away and the pounds they did gain.  So for 2009 I resolve to:

a) be less smug

b) keep smug smirk off face

c) sign up for L’Étape du Caledonia

d) train for L’Étape du Caledonia (thereby losing poundage and gaining fitness)

e) complete L’Étape du Caledonia in less than six hours

f) revert to smugness and have friends bow at the feet of My Magnificence

g) thrash M. Armstrong on Mont Ventoux

Hurry up Lance!

Is it safe? I whisper to Le Chef.

I think so.  Let’s go now.

We get up toute d’suite and run, run, run to the supermarket to get supplies for the week.

Hurry up Le Chef, hurry up.  Some of them might come out early.  Quick.

We zoom round the supermarket and scurry home, close the door and lock it.  We are safe.

This scene occurs every Sunday morning at Chez nous.  The bells of that hulking great scaffold covered cathedral on Palmerston Place toll to advise the Christians to get on the pews for their weekly soul saving.  But given that Scottish Christians are just as lazy as Scottish agnostics / anaesthisists atheistists atheists / trainee buddhists, they leave getting to the church on time til the last moment.  This means the streets are unsafe as Christian cars career towards places of worship.   One must time ones shopping accordingly and only venture out between the calling to church bells and the get oot your saved for another week but please try be good and not do that thing that you know you shouldn’t do and don’t shout at the telly either coz that’s not nice exit bells.

If you do not live within earshot of christian bells I recommend you do your shopping online otherwise you may meet your maker while merely trying to procure your Sunday luncheon.

You know those billboards that have the really bad I’m a PC adverts on them?

No, mutters Le Chef.  Clearly I’ve interrupted him at a key moment in the defeat of The Gauls at the hand of Agrippa.

Well, it’s Microsoft’s response to the I’m a Mac advert.  I think it’s really really lame and should be renamed I’m a PC and I need to get a new ad agency coz they are trying to be smart and they are not very imaginative stealing Mac’s ideas … I am outraged … blah … bloody Microsoft …. blah ….. Bill Gates … blah I’m ragin’ blah …. [time passes - rant continues].

So it works then.

What?  Whadja mean they work?

You noticed the ad. That’s the point of advertising.  To get you to notice.

Harrumph.  The evil PC overlords have tricked me.  I power up my two Macs and my iTouch and a Shuffle just to be sure, to prepare my response.