I was thinking that I really need to increase the readership on ThisStandardScottishLife coz it seems that Gussie, Hotboy and that Dirty, dirty burro are the only visitors. Those spam robots don’t even come – I think they mostly hang out a RaBlissBlog. How can people’s life not be complete with out reading my highbrow insights into … eh … the mess that is the inside of my head. Maybe I am aiming too high, perhaps I need to dumb down TSSL ? But can it get any dumber ? Oh yes it can!
So, maybe I can get it so dumb that there are only photos of dumb animals.

So here goes ….

Sheep we have loved and / or eaten. This is Flossy the Arran sheep. She was quite dumb. Me and The Cyclist captured her while on a tour of the island. She gave a nice chop. Is that dumb enuf ?

Latest news, latest news part 1

While only mildly inebriated last night I hung out the bedroom Velux window, sextant, telescope and compass in paw to check out my lucky star/geostationary satellite. And lo … I can confirm that it is a star …. the Pole star. These Polish folks are everywhere now. Even in the heavens. Is God Polish ? If so, I think I met him at the check out in LIDL.

Latest news, latest news part 2

Tonight when I arrived home from work, having gone via Beat the clock at Fisher’s with Le Chef, there was the lovely Fagpuss galavanting on the door step trying to look cute and fluffy and cadging a fag as usual. I am so pleased he doesn’t have the feline lung cancer. And thanks to everyone that wrote in with their concern about Fagpuss’s absence … that is all none of you! Why do I bother ? No one else cares about poor Fagpuss [pout].
[excellent: four mentions of Fagpuss ... oh five now ... in one post. I will be queen of the Google Fagpuss rankings (eh ... six) once again]

fagpuss, Fagpuss, FagPuss, FAGPUSS,

FAAAAAGPOOOOOOUUUUSSSS!!

Dear God / Allah / Shiva / Flying Spaghetti Monster / Albert Einstein etc
Please, please please let me win the triple lottery roll over tomorrow.  I could really do with an injection of cash and £20 million will do it. If I win, I promise I will be good … for a while.  Hmmm, if I win can you promise I will be god … for a while ?
Please, pretty, please.
Sandy

… here is one of many reasons why you shouldn’t eat non-free range, non-organic chickens.  Hmmm that’s kinda but me off my KFC bucket meal.

…. you can call me Sir
This morning somewhere in between ironing my shirt and getting dressed for work in my daily routine I had to rake in my drawers (that’s drawers as in drawers not pants) for a pair of pants (that’s pants as in pants not what dogs do or what American’s pretend are trousers). So, I raked and I raked and thought I knew I needed to do some washing but this is ridiculous. So I raked around some more coz I always, always find a pair of pants. But what a shocker. Not today. No clean pants! It is not possible for a grlll to go to work in a pair of pants that she wore yesterday (I know you men do, but you are just dirty and nasty and smelly), so you’ll understand that I was a bit traumatised. Would I have enough time to wash a pair of pants and then blast them dry with the hairdryer (we are nothing if not resourceful us grlz). No, no, no, no time at all.

And then I thought “Ooooh at work I have my gym stuff and there are always clean pants in my gym bag“. But the problem is how to get from here to there with no pants. Would I have to take a long commando walk past the Castle (I wonder if the soldiers in the castle barracks are commandos too). And then I came up with a cunning plan …. I would wear my cycling shorts and cycle to work. Pants are not allowed under cycling shorts coz they interfere with the padded nappy bit – so I could easily get away with no pants. Hurrah … my cycling shorts saved the day and I made sure I put the washing machine on when I got home from work so I had a plentiful supply of clean undies for the next day.

HotBoy knows lots about cyclists coz he’s always asking Are you boys cyclists ?

• Oi HotBoy! Did you write that Amazon review ?
• Oi HotBoy! Impressive Amazon ranking too. Right up there with The Bible. Hopefully this post will boost your readership

PS Sorry if this post was a bit TMI but this sort of thing happens occasionally in a StandardScottishLife

Fraught I am, fraught about FagPuss. Reason’s are twofold:

• on this new WordPress version of ThisStandardScottishLife I haven’t imported my previous blogger FagPuss entries and I fear my Google ranking for Fagpuss searches is in decline. How is this blog to remain so very, very unpopular without mention of FagPuss ?
• I haven’t seen FagPuss for ages. Today some other large, tarty puss was hanging around on the door step when I got home from work. Mieowing and looking up longing at me with its “Gimme a fish, it’s Friday” eyes. But where is FagPuss ? I hope he hasnae contracted the feline lung cancer.

For those of you who haven’t met FagPuss, here he is again.

[sings with squeeky early Madonna type voice]

“You must be my lucky star
Coz you shine on me wherever you are …”

When I am in bed and look out the Velux window I can see this star. I’ve been looking at this star for years and it’s always there. I like lying in bed waiting for the clouds to pass so I can look at my lucky star. It makes me feel safe coz of its persistence and it reminds me about the nature of the universe and my place in it. It is my little night time pal. Earlier this week I woke up just before dawn and watched as my star faded and the sun came up. So, while watching it fade I got to thinking about my star and did some appliance of science.

My star is always there, always in exactly the same place. Hmmm didn’t they say in physics class that the moon and the stars move across the sky coz the earth is rotating. And “My star is always there, always in exactly the same place” ? So I am thinking How come the heavens move but not my star? And then Eureka … it’s not a star, it’s a satellite. My lucky star is a piece of space junk

[adopts squeeky voice again]

“You must be my lucky star geostationary satellite
Coz you shine on me wherever you are …”

[decides Madonna song is no good now, so adopts drug addled Lou Reed stylee voice]

“Satellite’s gone up to the skies
Thing like that drives me out of my mind ….”

I wonder if the spirit of Laika the space pooch lives in my satellite ?