Fatboy Hotboy seems distraught about his weight of late. But at 12 stone 4lbs he is hardly a heifer (well he couldn’t be a heifer coz that’s a virgin girl cow, and he couldn’t be a cow coz that’s a term usually used for the female of the species). OK let’s just say that at 12 stone 4lbs Hotboy is hardly a male water buffalo. But I fear that ra bliss can only be taken as part of a calorie controlled diet coz sitting on yer arse doing nothing but ra bliss will surely pile on the pounds as so ably demonstrated by these ra bliss gorging Japanese FatBoys. (but at least they have nice pinnies)
image the scene ….
- It’s 1730 on a Friday afternoon
- In an office in the major national cultural institution
- Our player is trying to finish a cunning little computer program thing before going home
- She has been in the company of Imelda MacKillop for the past two evenings
- She is tired having only managed 8 hour sleep in the past 48 hours
- She is very mildly hung over
- Her sugar levels are crashing
- Again she makes a change to her little computer program
- She runs it
- But the results aren’t what she expects
- She tweaks the program and again, runs it
- This time she pays more attention to the error output
- The colour drains from her face
- Her hands go all sweaty
- She whispers a stream of expletives
- Can you guess the problem ?
- Some background …
- the program is run from drive x:
- drive x: is the location of all shared files at said major national cultural institution
- our player hasn’t programmed DOS in a while
- cd c:\blah\blahde\blahblah [error reported: directory doesn't exist]
- del *.* /q /f
- some more lines of code
- I’ll get my coat then ….
- Jotters for me on Monday me thinks
… said the spam email I received in my mailbox yesterday. Hmmm I thought, I know spam makes you fat and at work I eat donuts and muffins sometimes. I do walk up and down 120 stairs everyday so I expect that cancels out the cakes.
And then at work today an email came to DL-All users (i.e Distribution List to all staff in major cultural institution) that said The closest Weightwatchers classes to work are [list of places]. So clearly our HR manager thinks that work makes you fat and we’re all a bunch of porkers. What a bloody cheek! Next time I see the HR manager coming into work with a big pie I’ll be asking And how many Weightwatcher points is that then ? 
… is the name of a progamme on BBC2 Scotland on Thursday at 7pm. Now isn’t that an interesting fact. And isn’t that an interesting word. I shall enquire of Imelda MacKillop as to its meaning.
… I’m an alcoholic this much I also know about cycling.
11. In the Bicycle vs Taxi in the City Centre during the Rush Hour and heading to the pub Race, the bicycle always wins.
12. Cyclists never remember cycling home after drinking more than half a bottle of wine but they will remember singing Scissor Sisters songs in the underpass. (Great echo! – I sounded almost as good as Jake Shears.)
…. and this much I know …. about cycling.
1. Your bum and bits are always sore. It doesn’t matter how many layers of nappy padding short liners you wear. Or how sofa like your saddle is. You’ll always be a bit Ouch.
2.. You will initially hate hills …
- crying at the bottom of a hill doesn’t help. You just have to do it.
3. Then you will come to love the hills, you will even like mountains …
- the crying at the bottom of hills will cease and you will even go on detours to seek out hills of increasing steepness
4. Coming downhill is over-rated
- unless of course you are on a dual carriageway with no cars and singing along to the Scissor Sisters
- unless of course you are coming downhill on a mountain on a mountain bike and Mr Imelda MacKillop has not yet split his elbow open
- the most over-rated coming downhill is 10 miles of twisty road in the Rockies, doing 40 mph and surrounded by Yankees. Plain boring.
5. Cycling into the wind will make you cry for several reasons
6. Jumping on the rear wheel in frustration is not good and will lead to a bit of a wobble that has nothing to do with alcohol consumption
7. After time, you will love your bike more than your Beloved / Chef / Dog
- NB don’t be telling your Beloved / Chef / Dog that they are second on the list of loves of your life. You’ll be shown the door.
- I think you might love your bike like this coz it intimately knows your bits. TMI ?
8. The best book about a bike is Flann O’Brien’s Third Policeman.
9. In the Bicycle vs Bus in the City Centre during the Rush Hour Race, the bicycle always wins
10. All bicycles must be red. It is compulsory. If you can’t manage a red bike then at least take something red along with you. A red face will suffice.
[Where does My name is xxx and this much I know come from ? Is it a CSI Las Vega-ism ?)
The Beginners Big Book of Buddhism [as lent to me by Hotboy] says …
Life is suffering (Yes I knew that. I suffer going to work. I suffer only having 24 hours in the day. I suffer coz Le Chef is playing Rome Total War again on MY computer (well it is our computer but mostly it is mine!). I suffer coz I have run out of Neutrogina Norwegian Paw cream and my paws are sore from digging and bashing and poking at the allotment. Oh wo is me. Wo Is Me Oh! ME WO IS OH! This suffering is almost as bad as being crucified (I feel a smite coming on).
Aparrently, according to the BBBofB I can cure myself of all this suffering if I follow a thing called the eight-fold path.
[MunchkinVoice]
Follow the 8-fold path
Follow the 8-fold path
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the 8-fold path
We’re off to see the Buddha, the wonderful Buddha of bhodi
[/MunchkinVoice]
The Eight-Fold path stateth:
- Is Right viewpoint (i.e. knowing that you are suffering). See above. I know it. Look at my paws – they are red and suffering.
- Is Right growth (i.e.Commitment to mental and ethical growth in moderation). Yes, I am doing this too. I am moderately commited to mental growth through regular reading of Imelda MacKillop’s copies of The National Enquirer. And I have an allotment and a bicycle so that’s quite ethical [or maybe that's just quite middle class - oh the angst, oh the suffering of middle classness]
- Is Right actions (i.e. wholesome action, avoiding action that would do harm). Does eating wholemeal bread count as a wholesome action ? And today at the allotment I didn’t bash the slugs I just lobbed them over the shed into the rubbish heap – I didn’t hear them shriek when they landed so I don’t think I did them any harm
- Is Right Speech (i.e. one speaks in a non hurtful, not exaggerated, truthful way). Oh for goodness sake, not exaggerated??? That’s ridiculous. This path is impossible to achieve.
I propose …. to alleviate all this suffering that one should follow Sandyha’s special short cut one-fold path
- Is Right winning (i.e. winning £20 million on the Lottery). This will lead to packing in the suffering of work, buying lots of Neutrogina hand cream and
salving the poor paws and going on a giant spending spree (shopping relieves all suffering dontcha know) but ensuring you keep back some cash to bribe the Buddha (or your own favourite diety) so you can skip paths 4 to 8 and go directly to Nirvana.
Unfortunately I was unable to follow the one-fold path this week due to some inconsiderate random number generator not randomly generating the right numbers on my ticket. Bloody computers! But never mind coz it is a £64 million EuroMillions rollover on Friday! Surely it will be me, surely.
Yum! Geddit ?
Flossy as Hotboy’s agent
Flossy in party gear
