This Standard Scottish Life

…. but wait, before we discuss Where’s me bike ? let’s first wonder Where’s me tea ? (that’s tea as in dinner not tea as in tea). I am sitting here on the couch with a rumbling tum and crashing sugar levels and Where’s me tea ? Le Chef has buggered off to Lundun for some meeting and left me to fend for myself. I wonder if I can hold out til he comes home at 9pm otherwise I’ll have to bloody cook something and boy am I sick of f**king courgettes and marrows. Hmmmm …. a takeaway me thinks.

But anyway … back to Where’s me bike ? Moi et Le Chef went for a very jolly jolly to Amsterdam this weekend. Twas most fun and involved eating Indonesian food while watching Le Chef pick out the peanuts (he’d get that anaphalactic shock thingie if he ate one), drinking beer, eating Maoz falafel (it is the best, bestest falafel ever and they even have an outlet in Barca now), drinking beer, wolfing the most huge amount of Mexican food ever and drinking margaritas .. oh yes and some shopping too. And of course no decriminalized drugs were partaken of . And neither did we visit the red light district . (Great I managed to wangle a sex angle to the post so can appropriately categorize it thus – surely my Google rating must be increasing).

On the way to the station I noticed a multi-storey bicycle park. How the hell do you find your bike ? All Dutch bikes look the same. If you shout at a Dutch bike, will it reply back ?

… well just the princess actually. And the princess is me, reclining on our brand new futon matress of such depthness and fluffliness and comfortablyness and I’mNotGettingOutOfBedness every again. It’s only 7pm but I’m off to bed now.

Ages ago when I was researching wikis (for researching read arsing around on the internet) I came across this great wikipedia like wiki that was so funny that I snorted Irn Bru out of my nose at work. How charming eh ? I don’t think anyone noticed. Well today while I was doing research on the internet (see above for definition) and hanging out at … but it’s dirty (you can view this site safely at work) I rediscovered the funny little wiki, uncyclopedia which of course made me snort orange juice (out not in). My favourite articles are about the mobile city of Edinburgh, God in particular the picture of God on his day off and of course The Clangers.

Off now to clean up.

for HotBoy and the Domestic Bliss

… for the person who has everything. Nothing!

Today I came to East Kilbride to stay a few days to supervise my mum who just got out of hospital. She’s got a brand new knee [wonders ... can you get brand new brains?].

Anyway, that’s not the point of this entry … the point is ….I have spent most of my life not looking back….

I try hard not to dwell on the past particularly my own … I do read the occasional history book to learn about old yins and old things (go on, ask me how old Queen Elizabeth the First was when she got her crown or who the last four emporers of Japan have been) but I haven’t yet written the History of Sandy and this blog isn’t it coz it’s not autobiographical but infact completely fanciful and fraudulent.

I absolutely and completely avoid going to places that I remember fondly as a child. When I was little I used to go and visit my granny and papa Hamilton in Lesmahagow and my granny Gordon in Kirn near Dunoon. I have absolutely refused to go to these places as I know it will destroy all the happy images in my head. I don’t think about these places a lot but I know if I visited the memories of swing parks, decaying cinemas, tomato houses, my papa’s Polo mints, my granny’s baking, bottles of red kola, Jim Crow and Mrs Aunty Nelly will be tainted forever. I like those memories just the way they are. Me as a wee girl with my grand parents.

And I don’t think about people I went to school with. But …. today …. I was on the slowest, most circuitous bus to East Kilbride in the world. It went past all my old childhood / teenage haunts and then chucked me off about a mile from where I needed to be. I was forced to walk through bits of the town that I haven’t been to in 25 years. Oh no … talk about nostalgia – how come I still knew the way home by that funny back way through the lockups ? How come I recognised every single house where friends and acquitances lived – “Oh look that’s where Colin lived – I really fancied him. He’s dead now“. How come I still remembered the church where I was touched by God for about 2 hours (fortunately I shook him off!) “God I smite you.  Be gone“. And how come I could remember every corner that I snogged the boys on. Yeuch … all that groping and poking and hormones. Yeuch, yeuch, yeuch. I really, really didn’t need to have those memories back. All evening I have been trying to shove those memories back into that grey hole of subconsciousness they came out of. Get back you sordid teenage recollections. Must go dig out my mum’s cooking sherry to try otherwise I’ll be having nightmares.

PS a. QE1 = 26 b. = meiji, taisho, hirohito, akihito

PPS As a result of this post I now have a sex category. Surely that’ll raise my Google rankings.

PPPS Can you get into trouble for smiting God ?

This Standard Scottish Life is being upgraded to Wordpress.

Maybe one day we will work out how to import blogger!

Gussie told me about a new way to have a cloud of pouffe on the blog. Use LibraryThing. It lets you list all books. I’ve only ever read four books so I listed them. Look at it down there on the right of the blog.

How we love the clouds of pouffe. Maybe I should start a cloud of pouffe website.

[Time passes]

Hurrah www.cloudofpouffe.com is still available

… like bash cake dough. It’s a traditional thing to smack the dough with a bigger hammer. Me thinks this is a makey-up tradition to make the tourists look daft.

I went to the allotment yesterday. Oi weeds! What’s that about ? How come weeds grow quicker than anything else ? Nevermind, a quick bit of slash and burn and everything was ship shape. There were also some freak show vegetables!

• Several three foot high lettuces. In the wild, there must be lettuce forests. Very peculiar.
• Monster marrows. They have now become ornamental pieces in the garden.
• Colossal cucumbers. They were quite large really. I am now in the process of pickling them to ensure a supply of briny/vinegaryness for Mr Imelda.

And for tea …. what extravagance, pink fir apple chips. Yum! How I luv my garden.