Posted by Sandy | Posted in whimsy | Posted on 06-06-2006
A day in the life of This Standard Scottish Life …
Today I had a Standard Scottish Life day which entailed the following:
- 07:25 woke up to BBC Radio Scoatland. Thought for the day was on (religious gobbledy-gook) so I leapt (as much as my advanced years will allow) out of bed and ran to the loo (TMI n’est-ce pas ?) and went back to bed (coz Thought for the day had finished).
- 07:50 got out of bed, switched on espresso machine (I’m middle class dontcha know!) and ironed my shirt for work
- 07:55 Thought for the day came on to Radio Four so hid/dressed in the bathroom til it finished
- 08:00 Prepared particularly fine cappuccino (sp?) coffee for myself and Le Chef
- 08:05 Shout at Breakfast TV
- 08:10 Brush teeth, try to flatten hair to make it look respectable for work, take anti-histamine drugs, stick sunglasses on head, put on rings, kiss Le Chef (yeuch!), stick on MP3 player – adjust to Scissor Sisters walking to work mix and leave
- 08:11 ring door bell, come back in, pickup bag, leave again
- 08:15 Glare at the pedestrians all wearing black on their way to Standard Life. They are all muppets / clones. Cross road so as not to be associated with them. Smirk coz I am not wearing black but a jaunty shirt with sparkly gold thread in it and a fetching sky blue hoody
- 08:20 Wonder if it is safe to walk up Johnston Terrace (bits keep falling off the Castle Rock) and decide to walk through the Grassmarket coz I’d like to live to see the end of the day
- 08:30 Arrive at Major Cultural Institute place of work. Complain to receptionist that it is too hot & too sunny
- 08:35 Greet work-mates. Complain that it is too hot and too sunny. Open all windows.
- Time passes
- 10:00 discuss how today is 6/6/6 and the new rubbish The Omen film
- 10:30 Go to meeting. There are six of us and a big fly in the room. We all wonder if the fly is an omen about The Omen or just an omen about the Amityville Horror. Fly wonders if the six humans are tasty.
- 12:30 Run to luncheon date with Gussie, Roderick and Imelda MacKillop. Complain about the weather being too hot and too sunny, complain about having to go to work / meetings, complain about not winning the lottery. Complain about how Scots are always complaining. Gussie doesn’t complain as well as Imelda and Roderick and me coz she is an honorary Scot – we must improve her moaning skills otherwise she’ll be mistaken for an Engerlander.
- 13:00 Scoff meat of various sorts
- 13:05 Laugh about Roderick’s non-porn star name meaning black puddin’ in Gaelic
- 13:10 Laugh about borrowing Gussie’s old, blue pants (pants as in pants not slacks!)
- 14:00 Return to office. Complain to work-mates that it is too hot and too sunny
- Time passes
- 14:13 Complain about why that bag piper down on the street only knows one tune, Scotland the brave
- 14:25 Decide to take off my trainers and socks and put on sandals. Work mates don’t complain about atmospheric change but I know they noticed. Well, they are smelly boys, grrls are allowed to be smelly too sometimes
- Time passes
- 17:40 Leave place of work and go on bus to allotment. Complain in my head to myself that it is too hot and too sunny
- 18:30 Speak to potatoes and encourage growth
- 19:00 Have coffee with allotment chums and trade courgette plants for a cucumber plant.
- 19:20 Pick radishes, plant turnips
- 19:30 Water garden and get work clothes covered in water, muck and dung
- 20:45 Go to LIDL to get salad for tea – it’s open til 22:00 dontcha know. If you must go to a supermarket LIDL is the one coz tis profoundly cheap and has strange foreign foods.
- 20: 47 Discover there is no salad in LIDL so buy potato scones (that’s scones not skoans or skoons). Potato scones for tea are about as Scottish as you can get and if one is trying live a Standard Scottish Life they are compulsory. However if you want to live an Exemplary Scottish Life one would of course deep fry the potato scone and chase it down with Irn Bru or Buckfast
- 21:05 prepare tea of potato scones and Empire biscuit (Ameri-English on …that’s biscuits as in cookies not those scone/skoon/skoan things you have with gravy for breakfast … Ameri-English off). What are those American’s like putting gravy on their scones ?
- 21:15 Sigh at Le Chef coz CSI Las Vegas is on and he is watching it while simultaneously using the laptop which I want to use
- 21:25 Sigh loudly at Le Chef and tut in the vague hope that he will get the hint that I want to use the bloody computer
- 21:45 “Oi Le Chef when can I get on to the computer ?“
- 21:50 Take shower while waiting for Le Chef to finish defeating the VisiGoths on the computer
- 22:15 Hurrah! I have the computer. Look at my blog and snigger at the comments.
- 22:17 Search Google for butt puss. It is number one on Google. Post entry about this exciting development on this blog
- 22:34 Empty washing machine. Can’t get more Standard than that.
- 22: 38 Prepare this blog entry
- 23: 15 Post this blog entry
- Now – brush teeth, go to bed, read Mario Puzo’s The Godfather